Not acceptable

Dear universe,

certain things that you have been providing me with are not acceptable at all. Thank you for the place to live, for example...I do like having an apartment rather than having to live under the Ballard Bridge. BUT. My. Family. Is. Driving. Me. Nuts.

I live too close to them right now. In fact, just yell out the window and my mom can hear me. Better yet, I can hear my dad coughing and snorting and bitching about whatever it is he's bitching about. Plenty of things ruin his life, apparently, from the fact that there are dirty spoons in the sink to the fact that the world around him exists.

Anyway. That's another story. Back to me me me, because this is MY blog, after all.

I'm tired. Tired of being a caregiver, tired of being a good daughter. The thing is, everyone in my family says they're too tired to do much for my mom, so it seems like everything falls to me. Last week we were gifted with a fun family meeting hosted be a geriatic therapist, who is hanging around to supposedly help my dad deal with his caregiver stress. Yes, my dad has caregiver stress. He takes care of my mom sometimes. Or he did. This man has some serious mental problems, though. Anger is the top of the list. He's always said nasty mean things to us kids while we were growing up and he hasn't stopped. He's taken to telling my mom very mean things that I can't even repeat here, it's way too sad. Sad sad sad.

But, it's classic verbal abuse stuff, and sometimes he's wonderful to her, saying he's sorry, saying he wants her to get better, and on and on. Now, the thing is, mom hasn't been able to work, so he depends on him financially. And I am not able to help her financially. My own finances are goofy. She feels like she has to stay with him.

The thing is, I'll never be able to help her financially at this rate, because I'm ending up being her primary caregiver. I have taken on a lot of her care over the past several years, but this is a totally new level. And I never signed up for this. I suck at it. I can't help her do so many things that she needs from her husband. I have been ending up working with her for a good chunk of every day (5 hours last night), and that time is not only taking away from my work/business time, making my business suffer, but it's making me exhausted physically and mentally as well. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY MOM, so so much, that I'd help her until I collapse, but I also feel like this situation is just not fair. Not fair to her or to me. She's getting all this negative energy as the rest of her family is fighting over who "has" to help her, and I'm getting taken for granted and dumped on. The 5 hours might not seem like much, but make it a few hours at least every night, and usually an hour or two almost every day, and I'm putting in a lot of time doing this caregiving thing. 20-30 hours a week is a part time job. Add that to my business, which should at least be getting 40-50 hours a week, and hell. What gives?

I'll tell you what gives, since you've been so kind to read my sob story so far. The dishes piled in the sink because I don't have the time or energy for them is just the beginning. I don't read anymore. I steal knitting time when I'm boiling water or making coffee. TV? Who has time to sit still for more than 5 minutes? Sleep. Oh, yeah, that's what happens after 2-3am when I have finally be able to go to my apartment after spending the evening with my poor mom.

I do love her so much, and I hate that she ends up feeling bad about my emotional and exhausted state. I want to help her, she DESERVES to be taken care of, This is a strong good woman here. I just want to strangle everyone else who's unwilling to take on some of this responsibility, because after all, if they don't do anything, Kerrie will take care of it.

I want to rebel and run away to Mexico. Or Alaska. Or even somewhere that isn't Ballard.

But I won't. Mom might need me.