I wish I was doing anything, ANYTHING else

other than filling out an online social security application for my mom. Jeez.

I'm going back and forth between doing that and working on taxes. The fun and joy never ends here!

Usually, I post at night, then in the morning I regret my self exposing post, and so I delete it. I'm going to stop doing this. I feel pretty alone in a lot of things, and I worry that letting anyone else know that I actually have feelings might hurt their feelings. This problem happens when a person (me) starts to censor themselves because they realize that there are actually a few people out there in the world, one or two of you, who read this blog. And here I thought I was talking to myself.

So. Let's have a censor free week, shall we? Try it in your blog too. I bet that nobody even gets offended. I hope.

The caregiving chronicles continue. Last week, the fam had a therapy meeting with a geriatic care (am I spelling that right?) therapist who was supposedly there to help us all with our caregiving issues, but was really there to make life easier on my charming, witty, quiet and shy dad (yes, I am sarcastic) and more difficult on me. More difficult on my little sister, too, but she can take a little more difficulties in her life, I think. One of the things we talked about she dictated is that we come up with a schedule of care. Great, I say. So far the schedule has been Kerrie-Nicole-Kerrie-Dad-Kerrie-Nicole-Kerrie-Kerrie-Nicole-Kerrie-Kerrie-Dad-Dad, or something like that. (Nicole is our guardian angel paid caregiver, without whom we'd all have jumped off of the Aurora Bridge by now.) I can't even begin to tell you how exhausted I am by it. Half the time when dad's there, he won't come when mom calls, so I have to end up going over there anyway. (The commute is something like two minutes, remember?) I'm not sleeping well because I'm afraid she'll need me. When I do fall asleep, that's when she calls and needs me. What do I do? I want to take care of her if she needs it. Well, actually, I want her to be taken care OF if she needs it, and that means that it most usually falls on me lately. How can I make sure she's taken care of, but also make sure that I don't, well, go insane, have a nervous breakdown, run screaming into the desert and eat an entire chocolate cake?

I don't know how, that's all.

Little sister is taking a "shift" tonight with mom, and I sit here in a state of great confusion. Am I relaxed? Hell no. Am I resting? Um. No. Can I get some sleep I need? Nope. Why, why, why? Why if all I want is some time to relax, when I finally have it, all I can do is freak out and do everything EXCEPT relax? I expect her to call. I expect sister to come knocking. I expect all sorts of horrible things are happening without me to supervise. But, fuck it. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN CHARGE. So, what the hell is wrong with me?

Well, part of that I answered myself at the beginning of this post. I'm doing taxes and SS applications. That's my problem, I guess. I should be reading (actually, too exhausted) or watching TV (nothing seems worth the free time) or knitting (I'm thinking too much while I do that) or sleeping (see above...should I just take an ambien?)

yeah, folks, Kerrie has some issues. Please send chocolate. Cake preferred.