small

I'm feeling very small lately. There's nothing like inviting the chaos vampires into your life, and then wishing you hadn't...but knowing you had no other choice.

So, I'm feeling small and pathetic. I might be quiet for awhile.

A Song for an Apartment...

The Apartment Song
Sung to the tune of "The Perfect Nanny" from Mary Poppins

Wanted: an apartment for two wonderful people

If you own some nice apartments
We would like to be your tenants
We're clean and sweet, don't smoke
won't let things get broke

We have two cats but they're very good
both old and sleepy with a quiet mood
One will sit when you tell him to
The other purrs, and cuddles you

If you'll let us sign a lease
We will take good care of your building
We won't be late on rent or have loud parties
Call you and complain, cause you fees

We know we don't have great credit
But we always pay our rent
Now our landlord is selling our building
Putting up townhouses, isn't he mean?

We've had some bad luck in business
Closing our store caused a credit mess
But we have a brand new good business
It's doing well, and we expect greatness
Please rent to us
and you will see
we won't be a fuss
we'll be trustworthy
many thanks
sincerely,

Kerrie, Scott and cats

landlords

Once upon a time, there was a monster of the most hideous sort. This monster enjoyed owning things, and would buy as many things as he could. Thus, this monster, through pure cleverness and riches, ended up with more things than he could ever use. But Monster was greedy, and couldn’t help but to buy more things whenever possible. Bigger things were best, so Monster was even known to buy little things, knock them down with his powerful strength, and build bigger things in their place. Monster would then admire his big things for a while until he grew bored, then he would topple them with his amazing powers, and build even bigger things.

Among Monster’s belongings included houses and buildings.

Monster learned that he couldn’t possibly use so many things himself, since he was only one Monster. He thought and thought about what to do. He didn’t want to give up his things, of course. But with so many things, how could he even remember what things he owned?

Finally, he had an idea. He would let other people use his things. They would give him money, and he could use that money to buy more things.

And so, Monster became a Landlord.

Most everyone has to deal with a landlord at some time during his or her lifetime. Many people have great experiences with landlords, even becoming friends. Personally, though, I have not had these mythical good experiences with landlords, and so I fall back on my own stereotype of the Monster Landlord.

My first landlord was the trustee of an estate. He was in charge of renting out apartments in a small building, collecting the rent, and passing on that rent to a mysterious entity. He worked at a bank that was less than a half a block away from the apartment, so he was always available for neither repairs (good guess), nor to handle complaints of transients camping out in the garbage area (good guess again, but wrong, oh foolish naïve girl). No, Mr. Landlord was available for snooping in the apartments while the tenants were out. We don’t know what he’d do while he was visiting, but there’d always be something not quite right when we returned. Being an expert in crime scenes (I watched a lot of TV), I started to slip a small bit of paper or thread in my door to prove my suspicions. Sure enough, at least once a week, my thread or paper would have fallen into the hallway. I was living alone for the first time ever, so yes indeed, this was creepy.

I know now that this kind of behavior is illegal, but it seems so low on the creepometer fifteen years later that I only can think fondly of a landlord who cared enough to poke through my refrigerator and visit my underwear drawer. At the time I couldn’t move out quickly enough. I wasn’t letting the door hit me in the back on my way to my next apartment.

The worst Monster Landlords are the ones that pretend to be your friend, only waiting for a moment of weakness to lunge at your throat and tear out your heart while it’s still beating. Dramatic, you think? Not while it’s happening. While landlords in general can be a bit difficult to deal with, commercial landlords are members of an even more special breed.

Want to hear why? OK, then. I'll tell you soon, I promise.

If you happen to be a landlord who isn't Pure Evil, by the way, and you own any apartment buildings in Seattle, please rent me an apartment. I need you in my life. You need me to give you money. I'm quiet and have nice things in my refrigerator.

past, present and future

Once, there was a store that belonged to us. We closed the day before Thanksgiving last year.

Here was our sign:



Today, they have finally rented the space. First thing, they scraped our sign off the window.

So, the last traces of Turtle Press Store are gone, living only in all of our memories.

A moment of reflection, please.

(yes, I'm still happy/sad)

think it'll get me a job?

Resumé

Qualifications

• over 10 years of experience handling money and cashiering
• extensive experience cursing fluently when cash register didn’t balance
• 7 years of experience taking care of daily register paperwork, daily deposits, accounting and daily opening and closing chores for a retail store
• proficient in handling 3 months of paperwork all at once just before taxes are due with a minimum of tears or tantrums
• extensive sales and customer service skills
• able to refrain from calling customers stupid, mean, or cursing at them when they are stupid or mean
• skilled at cleaning up after customers who have littered drinks, food, or products all over a small retail space
• able to enforce various rules, such as forbidding animals and humans from peeing in the store’s alcove
• experience helping customers with disputes without resorting to murder
• proficient in dialing 9-1-1 to assist with crime, health, or other assorted annoyances taking place in front of a retail store
• experience answering questions truthfully or not, in person or on the telephone
• knowledge of what management chores can be postponed until “tomorrow”
• experienced in following potential shoplifters while pretending to sweep
• provided artistic technical help to customers who have no knowledge of anything artistic
• able to overcome perfectionism in stocking, straightening, and display work
• handled product ordering and purchase decisions based on what seems cool at the time
• excellent at pretending to enjoy working both independently and as part of a team

Education

watched CSI regularly for over two years
read many many books , including several nonfiction ones

University of Washington, Seattle, Washington 98195
B.F.A. in Photography, 1993
B.A. in Art, 1994

Work Experience

Editor 2001-present, dog eared magazine, Seattle, Washington
Store manager 1999-2005, Turtle Press, Seattle, Washington
AOL Internet Connection Cyberjocky Team, 1996-97, America Online, Vienna, Virginia
AOL "Tech Live" Team, 1995-96, America Online, Vienna, Virginia
Paper Store Lead, 1995, Seattle Art, Inc., Seattle, Washington
Retail Sales, 1994-1995, Seattle Art, Inc., Seattle, Washington
Book Designer, 1994, Licton Springs Review, Seattle, Washington

I hate things like this

So why do I have this compulsion to do them whenever someone I knows does them? Hmm?

I. Am. Sadistic. That's why.

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

10% Yankee

5% Midwestern

0% Dixie

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Etsy Surrender

kerrie's etsy shoppe