See how far behind I am? I'm going to write about July 4th today, on July 6th. Well. I could cheat and change the date so it LOOKS like I'm posting on the 4th. Maybe I will. The powers of Blogger would happily allow me to cheat. Then again, once you start editing your life like a Blogger post, it seems like it might just go downhill from there!
I took care of mom a good chunk of the day, which was littered with the occasional walking in search of caffeine and food breaks. It was the first year since we've been together that Scott and I were unable to watch the fireworks somewhere. I didn't realize that it would bother me or make me melancholy, but it actually did. The overwhelming feeling of being depended on by mom might have more to do with that melancholy than the actual fireworks, but whatever. I feel like my family and my husband are tearing me in two (or, more like in 8 or 9!) pieces as they all want things from me. I want to give them those things, but when the day is done there ends up not being anything left of me for ME. It gets to the point where I'm not even sure if I know if I would recognise myself if I saw myself on the street.
Mom needs me. Mom can depend on me. Mom does depend on me. Unfortunately I was raised to be very dependable. Kerrie. The organized one. The one who's good and coordinating things. The one who takes notes at meetings. The one who knows everyone's schedules. The one who knows how to straighten mom's legs just right, who knows how to roll her so she lands on her back just right. The one who can count out pills correctly. And the one who actually comes when she's called.
See, some members of this familly ignore Mom when they hear her calling help. But not Kerrie.
Scott needs me too. He resents "losing my wife" when I have to go take care of Mom. He gets lonely, he misses me, and he's been a real trooper as I dump all my emotional baggage on him. Taking care of Mom is not easy on so many levels, and I probably need a therapist to help me deal with all this crap, but where's the time? So Scott gets dumped on. He ends up carrying all his own stress and angst on his shoulders, then pushing it all aside to make room so he can help carry mine too. I'm afraid that we're forgetting how just be together, though. Not doing something, not going out for dinner or on a walk or messing around or going to a movie, just being together. Because we're not getting much time to just BE together. We're getting out of practice.
The business pulls, too, like a little hungry baby... how can you even think of neglecting a little hungry baby?
So, there leaves me. Trying to remember what I think, what I feel, what I want.
Please, someone, remind me how to not be the dependable one?
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Kerrie,
If you can do this without beating yourself up.... take Scott and go camping (or to a cabin) - somewhere without phones. (I'm thinking Deer Park, not far from Squim (sp?) if I remember right) Let the others in your family answer the calls for help for a day or two (maybe they will if they know you're no where near to bail them out). Just sit quietly and BE together. It won't fix everything, but it might help you get a little strength back.
Take care of you.
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